Requiem for Twilight Part Uno
IF under any circumstances you cogitate however scarcely that the title of this piece is a praise for the ever so illustrious "romantic vampire saga" then i suggest you take a bread knife and fucking Chelsea smile your pretty little muggle face. OR you could manually remove your spinal cord and shove it up your ass!
It's difficult to fully express exactly how my resentment for the series makes me want to burn all concrete records of its existence (the antonymous in the sense of its physical state is ambiguous within the simplicity of this particular case)
I would want to make this about Jesus or simply keep blabbing about how much I HATE THESE STUPID GODFORSAKEN BOOKS@@@@@@GT_E( 9^y5IEne but... some friends are coming over and we're going to put a spider and a bee in a jar and play some slipknot in the background (for more info go to kaiscolosseum.com haha jk XD) but yes because time is preventing me from making this the not so anticipated but most likely prosperous successor to Chinese Democracy so I'll just write another skillet song *fuck this is going to be generic* gah... ok fine ill make it acoustic
Ok so first let me begin by saying WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE SO MANY ADJECTIVES IN THE FUCKING NOVELS...@@@&& YES I realize you're trying to amplify the dude's orgasmic beauty but then you are not only diminishing the quality of the writing style but you are also deliberately alienating males from reading the books by emitting the more gay rays than the last big girl sensation > KNITTING < YES there I said it, there's less guy on this effing planet reading twilight than there are knitting HAH. Oh and not to mention that this alienation is A TOTAL FUCKING PARADOX because Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon and therefore totally fucking sexist in the latter of the two most commonly possible cogitative cases namely sexist towards women (well girls actually, because part from Renée who is about as significant as Bakura is in the first Yu Gi Oh Abriged Season, THERE ARE NO "WOMEN" IN THE SERIES! Although admittedly, there aren't many "guys" either I mean Billy's on a wheelchair and Charlie is just one of those really embarrassing middle aged men that remind you of a balding Robin Williams that never learned manners in preschool and there's basically Jacob who is left with the rest of the Quilete dudes to represent masculinity in the series which the would've pulled off properly if they weren't all sexually confused pre teens that run around naked holding hands... oh and ye theres Emmet who was sort of cool until was beaten at arm wrestling by BELLA I MEAN WTF isn't he supposed to be one of those high school jocks that has biceps the size of Tess' thighs, it's pathetic you can't cheat physical strength THAT much the only reason the Matrix got away with it is because they've got Keanu Reeves starring *dr00l* they've got the deep black guy that has hope in just about everything including the next High School Musical oh and because ALL THE ACTION THAT MAY ACTUALLY - ok that DOES - violate the laws of gravity takes place in a friggin Grand Theft Auto video game and too much preference of the human race, is in slow motion. Right back to how gay guys are in Twilight, yes part from Emmet there aren't really any characters a non androgen can really look up to or relate in some cases. There's Jasper who was supposed to have been a war veteran except that he looks like that obnoxious fjortis Swede that always takes really long to change for P.E and even if he can be cool sometimes his super special awesome powers - filler x gimmick x gayness much? - are so retarded and would've suited much better if Alice had them instead instead of making her a total tool in the series thus only featuring her in the saturated lemonade pages when she needs to make a prediction or monitor Bella's every move - eh human rights anyone? You see this is essentially a major issue with Twilight, Stephenie Meyer seems to be confused about the whole character distribution, in fact all potential any character might posses is typically taken away and crushed by her utterly clichéd and predictable plot twists, basically if you break down the basic structures into the four books you'll get something like this:
TWILIGHT - well it's the debut so you'd expect it to stand out because it always seems so easy to work on the roots, basically the whole this is extremely predictable, the writing is plain, the story is ok... except that it isn't really anything we haven't seen before and the fact that it took until 2008 (although it was originally released in 2005) for it to become the most sold book of the year - by which time it was (obviously) announced that Cedric Diggory would be portraying Edward Cullen (and YES although I read Twilight in 2006 I was truly hoping they would only loosely base it on this hideous excuse for a novel and end up killing the guy at the end because he was just so good at that gig) thus completely giving the dead series a new boost - did not astonish me. The success of the serious would had been quite dubious had it not been for the film (which was rushed into like all the books) because all four books had been released consecutively from 2005 to 2008 and were just sitting in bargain bins while the Death Hallows was making JK Rowling enough money to buy Canada and replenish the British Empire. Nevertheless, the series made its breakthrough and the fact that Twilight is a typical 80s high school chick flick with an attempt at an Anne Rice Flair for a flush of glamor DOES help but still doesn't quite stand up to the amount of fandom it would've rightfully received if there wouldn't have been a motion picture [after I was forced into reading Twilight by my friend Stacy, I didn't hear about it for about two years (I wasn't even aware that there were sequels) until I saw the movie's trailer] Lastly I should just say that what doesn't really help about this book that the stupid happy ending which resembles the hello kitty adventure island ending cut scene leaves the storyline independent of any sequel and many even alienate the last three books and that sucks because THEY'RE ALL A LOT BETTER (except maybe for Breaking Dawn, but it's a highly debatable subject because it would be like trying to decide whether a hermaphrodite child is more reprehensible than one born with one eye and no legs). YES I am quite aware of the current Sophomore curse crises we're all facing right now and I would maybe to a certain extent agree to banning the creation of all artistic sequels...but WHAT ABOUT SILENT HILL 2!!??? Not to mention that masterpieces such as HP, LotR and VC would simply look to hostile all squeezed behind one cover to the point where they might actually nto be commercially successful enough to experience ultimate epicness > Orcs + Freaky Elves + LUX AETERNAT x swords = Super Special Awesomeness, not to mention Stuart Townsend + Aliah x vampire sex + DEFTONES = Super Special Awesomeness times infinity. So this is why we can't completely forbid sequels because every now and then we get something out of them and the Twilight series is one of those examples.
Part 2 coming very soon...
May the Force be with you
Legion
It's difficult to fully express exactly how my resentment for the series makes me want to burn all concrete records of its existence (the antonymous in the sense of its physical state is ambiguous within the simplicity of this particular case)
I would want to make this about Jesus or simply keep blabbing about how much I HATE THESE STUPID GODFORSAKEN BOOKS@@@@@@GT_E( 9^y5IEne but... some friends are coming over and we're going to put a spider and a bee in a jar and play some slipknot in the background (for more info go to kaiscolosseum.com haha jk XD) but yes because time is preventing me from making this the not so anticipated but most likely prosperous successor to Chinese Democracy so I'll just write another skillet song *fuck this is going to be generic* gah... ok fine ill make it acoustic
Ok so first let me begin by saying WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE SO MANY ADJECTIVES IN THE FUCKING NOVELS...@@@&& YES I realize you're trying to amplify the dude's orgasmic beauty but then you are not only diminishing the quality of the writing style but you are also deliberately alienating males from reading the books by emitting the more gay rays than the last big girl sensation > KNITTING < YES there I said it, there's less guy on this effing planet reading twilight than there are knitting HAH. Oh and not to mention that this alienation is A TOTAL FUCKING PARADOX because Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon and therefore totally fucking sexist in the latter of the two most commonly possible cogitative cases namely sexist towards women (well girls actually, because part from Renée who is about as significant as Bakura is in the first Yu Gi Oh Abriged Season, THERE ARE NO "WOMEN" IN THE SERIES! Although admittedly, there aren't many "guys" either I mean Billy's on a wheelchair and Charlie is just one of those really embarrassing middle aged men that remind you of a balding Robin Williams that never learned manners in preschool and there's basically Jacob who is left with the rest of the Quilete dudes to represent masculinity in the series which the would've pulled off properly if they weren't all sexually confused pre teens that run around naked holding hands... oh and ye theres Emmet who was sort of cool until was beaten at arm wrestling by BELLA I MEAN WTF isn't he supposed to be one of those high school jocks that has biceps the size of Tess' thighs, it's pathetic you can't cheat physical strength THAT much the only reason the Matrix got away with it is because they've got Keanu Reeves starring *dr00l* they've got the deep black guy that has hope in just about everything including the next High School Musical oh and because ALL THE ACTION THAT MAY ACTUALLY - ok that DOES - violate the laws of gravity takes place in a friggin Grand Theft Auto video game and too much preference of the human race, is in slow motion. Right back to how gay guys are in Twilight, yes part from Emmet there aren't really any characters a non androgen can really look up to or relate in some cases. There's Jasper who was supposed to have been a war veteran except that he looks like that obnoxious fjortis Swede that always takes really long to change for P.E and even if he can be cool sometimes his super special awesome powers - filler x gimmick x gayness much? - are so retarded and would've suited much better if Alice had them instead instead of making her a total tool in the series thus only featuring her in the saturated lemonade pages when she needs to make a prediction or monitor Bella's every move - eh human rights anyone? You see this is essentially a major issue with Twilight, Stephenie Meyer seems to be confused about the whole character distribution, in fact all potential any character might posses is typically taken away and crushed by her utterly clichéd and predictable plot twists, basically if you break down the basic structures into the four books you'll get something like this:
TWILIGHT - well it's the debut so you'd expect it to stand out because it always seems so easy to work on the roots, basically the whole this is extremely predictable, the writing is plain, the story is ok... except that it isn't really anything we haven't seen before and the fact that it took until 2008 (although it was originally released in 2005) for it to become the most sold book of the year - by which time it was (obviously) announced that Cedric Diggory would be portraying Edward Cullen (and YES although I read Twilight in 2006 I was truly hoping they would only loosely base it on this hideous excuse for a novel and end up killing the guy at the end because he was just so good at that gig) thus completely giving the dead series a new boost - did not astonish me. The success of the serious would had been quite dubious had it not been for the film (which was rushed into like all the books) because all four books had been released consecutively from 2005 to 2008 and were just sitting in bargain bins while the Death Hallows was making JK Rowling enough money to buy Canada and replenish the British Empire. Nevertheless, the series made its breakthrough and the fact that Twilight is a typical 80s high school chick flick with an attempt at an Anne Rice Flair for a flush of glamor DOES help but still doesn't quite stand up to the amount of fandom it would've rightfully received if there wouldn't have been a motion picture [after I was forced into reading Twilight by my friend Stacy, I didn't hear about it for about two years (I wasn't even aware that there were sequels) until I saw the movie's trailer] Lastly I should just say that what doesn't really help about this book that the stupid happy ending which resembles the hello kitty adventure island ending cut scene leaves the storyline independent of any sequel and many even alienate the last three books and that sucks because THEY'RE ALL A LOT BETTER (except maybe for Breaking Dawn, but it's a highly debatable subject because it would be like trying to decide whether a hermaphrodite child is more reprehensible than one born with one eye and no legs). YES I am quite aware of the current Sophomore curse crises we're all facing right now and I would maybe to a certain extent agree to banning the creation of all artistic sequels...but WHAT ABOUT SILENT HILL 2!!??? Not to mention that masterpieces such as HP, LotR and VC would simply look to hostile all squeezed behind one cover to the point where they might actually nto be commercially successful enough to experience ultimate epicness > Orcs + Freaky Elves + LUX AETERNAT x swords = Super Special Awesomeness, not to mention Stuart Townsend + Aliah x vampire sex + DEFTONES = Super Special Awesomeness times infinity. So this is why we can't completely forbid sequels because every now and then we get something out of them and the Twilight series is one of those examples.
Part 2 coming very soon...
May the Force be with you
Legion
Kommentarer
Postat av: paattzor.
see kai i admire u for speaking ur mind in such an interesting form, BUT I SOOOOO HIGHLY FUCKING DISAGREE.
fuck you kai. right in the ass ;)
Postat av: Legion
In Edwards words: "how can something so small be so annoying"
I urge you to write a response to this, but part from my inevitable needs to cuss uncontrollably, my theories remains intact in the sense that they are the TRUTH, but of course I would be abandoning my own traditions if I wouldn't give you the opportunity to prove me wrong... ;) good luck
Postat av: Legion
remain*
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